April 23, 2007

When the cat's away . . . .

Tonight I dropped off my husband at the airport. For three days he will be on the other side of the country. He has been refraining from much travel since my last hospitalized manic episode last fall. I typically don't do well when he is out of town on business. Usually, a night he's gone equates to a first class ticket to drunkenville.

But, thank god, I am feeling differently now. I think that being on the Zyprexa allowed me to experience "rational thinking" for a change. All of a sudden, the idea of tequila shots first thing in the morning now no longer holds such attractive qualities.

So what will I do tonight? I still feel a bit of anxiety because I'm alone. But, I think I'll just read, relax, smoke pot, chat online with random people . . .the usual.

Zyprexa Withdrawal

I think that the Zyprexa is completely out of my system now. After a bout with depression, I believe was part of withdrawal, I feel like my old self again. Well, my old self but not manic.

I'm also thrilled that my thinner former self is back. I dropped 8 pounds in two weeks once I stopped taking the Zyprexa. That was easy.

And how do I feel mentally?

Well, I can definitely identify the type of thinking, my thinking, that caused me to go crazy a few months ago. Only this time, I recognize it as abnormal thinking. So far, so good. I've even had no problems with alcohol, which I thought would be an issue.

I just finished creating my resume. It's time to get out of this house.

April 12, 2007

Spring is here . . .how will I hadle it?

Spring has traditionally send me over to the other side in terms of my stability. It;s been a little rainly lately, so I've been painting and mulling over what exactly it is that I want to do with my life. I thik it needs to be someone art realated, but not sure which application I shoudl choose.

I also need to think about getting a temp job. It's not goot to stay and home and not have any friends. I need to create. An with this energy surging in as the zyprexa seeps out, I think I might can do it.


April 11, 2007


I've been taking a lot of Adderall lately. We just got a new prescription in so my husband has been a little more liberal with them. (I'm not allowed to hold my own prescription . . .I would take them all, for sure)

Anyway, that's how I ended up having to come clean about the Zyprexa. He called me and asked if I had been taking all my medicine, especially the Zyprexa. I asked why he wanted to know and he just said I had a habit of forgetting my medicine when I was doing speed. So, I took the opportunity and confessed.

He is terrified.


I just had to tell my husband I stopped taking the Zyprexa. He said "I reserve the right to end our marriage . . ." if I go crazy. I said I would take it again before I would let that happen.

But, for now . . . I have to go clean.

April 10, 2007

Waiting for my weight

One thing that hasn't changed as quickly as I wanted once I ditched the Zyprexa, is the return of my girlish figure. While I'm certainly not "fat," I missed the svelte 5 foot 7, 130 pounds that was quite low maintenance. But, I succumbed to the hunger that the pill breeds and put on almost an extra 20 pounds. I really believe it is like eating little mini cheese burgers.

I just weighed myself and am now at 140. Yes, it's better than the 146 I peaked at a few weeks ago, but I won't be satisfied until I'm at 135.

Yes, I know it's only been five full days since I stopped taking it. But, we bipolar girls gravitate to extremes and I'm ready to see it in my waistline.

Oh well, at least no alcohol cravings today.

April 9, 2007

Feeling like the old me . . . not good

Today is the first day, since I secretly stopped taking my Zyprexa, that I craved alcohol.

Not good. It was that same totally occupying draw that was always there before. It was back, so familiar a feeling. In fact, I gave into the insanity and had a couple of drinks at a neighborhood restaurant while waiting for my order to go. My husband smelled it on my breath and I denied it. But, we both know.

I cannot go back to that life. I have no desire for it. It is repulsive. It is horrifying. It's insane.

So, I am making a pact with myself now. If the sick desire creeps back into my head again, the first thing I'll swallow, as much as I don't want to, is a Zyprexa.

April 7, 2007

Feeling better

Well, two days without following doctor's orders and not taking my Zyprexa. I feel more energetic and less hungry already. I figure if I start wigging out, I can always pick up the prescribed regimen. But, my gut tells me that I am making a good call.

Boy, will my doctor be pissed!

April 5, 2007

I think the worst is over

The last few days have royally sucked. I had forgotten just how powerful of a drug Zyprexa can be. All I have wanted to do is sleep and watch TV. Is this better?

I think not. And, I think I'm going to stop taking it. I like having a personality and energy to get out of bed.

Tonight, I'm palming the pill. I can't tell my husband. He would totally freak out if he knew I was going to do this.

It's not so bad being a little crazy, is it?

April 2, 2007

Noooooo!!! Don't make be go back

I am in the horrible position of being caught between a happy energetic and creative life and a calm, content, drugged life.

I was cursed with the dreaded "ran out of medicine" situation. I, nor any bipolar person, wants to find themselves there. It is playing with fire, temping insanity. But, it happened because our mail order service didn't mail it out on time and my prescription ran out. I tried to get the pharmacy to give me a few emergency doses until we could have the doctor call in, but insurance wouldn't approve, so it was just a mess. Anyway, the fact of the matter is I have been without my Zyprexa for about 5 days now. And, I feel great.

I feel more energetic. I feel more creative. I don't want to eat constantly. I am happy. I want to have more sex. I am excited about the future. I am me.

But, the pharmacy just called to let me know that they finally got it approved and it's ready for me to pick up.

I have to go back tonight. I don't want to.

March 31, 2007

You win some . . .. . you get fucked

Yeah, so, since I've been on Zyprexa, I've gained the seemingly mandatory 20 pounds within my first 6 months.

But now, even with extra pounds in tow, I think more clearly, sleep more soundly, finish more projects, and have felt better about myself more strongly than I remember in a really long time . . . and I'm talking like way back to childhood days, grade school era . . . . . . Oh yeah, and let's top off this medicinal love fest with the fact that I just enjoyed some fucking awesome sex with my husband. (now snoozing at my side)

Still, can't I deal with a few extra pounds? Am I that vain to hold up all of the benefits offered before in the balance?

Yeah, I guess so. I hate being fat.

January 20, 2007

Green Prozac

I recently posted a question on Bipolar 4 All about marijuana use as a treatment option. My response was more negative than positive. Honestly, I was surprised. I thought for sure there would be more support.

One member sent me a link to several articles focusing on the pros and cons of pot as it relates to mental illness. One article in particular did give a positive nod to cannabis as an option for both depression and bipolar disorder.

Mental Marijuana


Wearing me out

I was reading through email sent to me by various organizations informing readers about development in the treatment of bipolar disorder. While there was no earth shattering news to get excited about, I did run across an interesting clothing line.

These garments are known as "BiPolar Wear." Judging from the models on their website, it looks like they cater to skateboarders and underground rock groupies in their late teens or early twenties. Most of the shirts have "bipolar wear" splashed across the front with a pair of antonyms on the sleeves, for example "love" on the right arm and "hate" on the left.

Interesting concept. . . . use an incurable illness as the theme for a line of clothing.

Gotta go . . . . I need to get to work on "Psoriasis Wear."

January 19, 2007

Pot is your friend

I smoke pot. And, if I have a lot of it, I smoke a lot of it.

I truly believe that marijuana possesses properties capable of calming some of the emotional storms always present in a bipolar mind. Well, at least it does for me anyway.

What a shame that such a kind plant would be made illegal. For me, as an alcoholic, it is simply nonsensical that alcohol is legal and marijuana is not. Pot never came close to obliterating my life like rum and coke did. If anything, it served as a deterrent from wanting to drink.

I tried to get my doctor to prescribe legal marijuana it to me. But, I guess I was not convincing enough presenting my case.

I would love to know if other bipolars feel the same way about weed.

Drug Dealing

Interested in my current mix of mood stabilizers, anti-psychotics, sleeping pills, etc? No problem. Here's my list of daily dosing and a few comments for each prescription.

Risperdal is the latest addition to my fistful of "happy pills." As I explained in an earlier post, it was my savior against an onset of extreme anxiety, and most likely, a manic episode. But, this time, other than playing doctor and medicating myself with a bottle of vodka, I called my doc. I have only this one experience using Risperdal. So, I'll blog about my next need to use it. But, so far, it has performed it's job with flying colors.

Buspar was my first prescribed remedy for anxiety. I know this drug works wonders for me. How, you ask? Well, recently I suggested to my doc that I was on an inordinate amount of meds. He agreed and we began the tweaking process. We revised the dosage from 20mgs twice a day to "as needed." Within 4-5 days I was a basket case. It didn't take long to welcome Buspar back into my personal family of pills.

This anti-depressant was a life saver for me about a year ago during an extremely stressful time. I noticed depression creeping its way into my behavior despite the mood stabilizers I was taking. After seeking help from my doctor, Cymbalta came through as my knight in shining amour. I went from not being able to get out of bed to tackling my situation head on. It did the job, and after a year has gone by, I am still downing this little pill.

Ambien has been in the news lately because reports of people sleep walking/eating/driving have been flooding in. I have not experienced anything like this using the sleeping pill, only wonderful restful nights. I don't take Ambien every night, just when I need it. And definitely need it when I take Adderall.

Trileptal is not approved for the treatment of bipolar disorder. It's purpose is trained towards epilepsy and the prevention of seizures. For whatever reason, I serves as a great mood stabilizer as well. I have been on trileptal longer than any of my other meds and it has served me well. Recently, we reduced my dosage in half from 1200 mgs per day to 600 mgs. I noticed no change. But, I also began taking up lithium which is most likely picking up the slack. I also use Trileptal as a sleeping aid occasionally.

Ah, the tried and true salve for all bipolar woes. When I was first diagnosed as bipolar, they immediately suggested lithium as a course of treatment. Then, I refused to believe that I could be mentally ill and flatly denied the prescription. After a horrific manic episode landing me 20 days in a mental ward, it now makes my list. I was prescribed Zyprexa at the same time lithium was added on. So, I am not sure which drug is most effective or if it is the combination of the two. All I know is that I am pleased with my current mental state. So, I guess you could say I like it. What a difference 10 years makes.

Okay, okay, I'll admit it. The only reason I have this ADHD medicine is because I tried one of my teenage daughter's and fell in love with it. I went to my doctor and explained that I felt it was a miracle drug for me. My doc is pretty cool and gave me a script. I take it about every other day, fully aware how addictive it is. But, I believe the effects of the medicine are worth tempting my addictive soul. So far, so good.

Last, and certainly not least is Zyprexa. Zyprexa was my first experience with an atypical anti psychotic. Used for the treatment of bipolar maintenance and schizophrenia, it joined my army of meds after a disastrous manic episode that propelled me into psychosis. At first, I hated it. I felt flat lined, dead, boring. I didn't think I would be able to deal with it for long. But, finally I got used to it and now I really like "being calm." I can think more clearly and insignificant happenings in life don't send me through the roof like they used to. I am very thankful for Zyprexa.

Does this seem like a lot of pills? Well, you are correct, it is . . . even my psychiatrist agrees. But, it is the result of not being able to get a grip on this tumultuous illness. And, if it keeps me out of crazy land, I'll keep popping.

January 17, 2007

Respirdal rocks!

Biting raw anxiety domineered my thoughts and feelings over the last few days. Unease, apprehension over nothing clung to me like the steam in a sauna. Choosing to call my doctor, as opposed to picking up the bottle, I begged him for help.

Deep down in my evil self somewhere, I was hoping that he might prescribe some Ativan or Klonopin. Thankfully, he is smarter than that. After seeing me through a 28 day stint at Father Martin's Ashley, he knows better than to offer me something addictive.

Instead, he prescribes Respirdal. Respirdal is used for the treatment of Schizophrenia and for BiPolar mania. Whatever it's for, it took only two pills to bring me back to a safer earth.

Now that I am calm and content, I look back and wonder what was happening. Was I about to launch into another manic episode? If I had drank, most certainly, my day would have ended up differently, like in a hospital. But instead, I'm blogging about my successful treatment.

I guess it also helps to have gulped a few Adderall this afternoon as well.