January 6, 2010
January 5, 2010
Today, I talked for the first time with a friend I found on Facebook. I have never met her in person, although we did attend the same high school. Over the last several months we have been exchanging emails offering support and sharing experiences dealing with our commonality, bipolar disorder.
It was strange at first. Especially, since I am an introvert at heart. But, by the end of the conversation we had shared the most intimate of details. Sharing all the gory details that typically scar all of the women that bear this illness . . . alcohol and drug abuse, sexual indiscretions, medication juggling, tortured friends and family and the negative stigma that hangs around our necks like an albatross.
So, I welcome the advent of modern day social networking. I would have never shared any of the gory details of my life with her had we not established a level of trust through Facebook. Now, I not only have another vehicle of support, I have found a kindred.
Posted by PolarSta at 9:03 PM
January 2, 2010
If for no other reason than to avoid attending 10 weeks of Fairfax County DUI ASAP classes. . . DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HERE.
I've got about two more months to go of my "rehabilitation" and, true . .at least I'm not in jail. But, if these photos don't dissuade you from passing on that second drink then you must be able to tolerate misery far better than I.
I found another photo on my iPhone this afternoon and decided to start a Flickr set to chronicle this unbelievably boring journey. I have been enjoying days off from the classes because of the holidays. But, when I ran across this photo reality was back in my face.
This photo was taken while our instructor read articles about drunk driving that he had found on the Internet. Yes, it really is as depressing as it looks.
Posted by PolarSta at 3:34 PM
January 1, 2010
Posted by PolarSta at 3:37 PM
Wow . . . I just finished reading this blog after re-discovering it after 3 or so years. And, honestly, it was quite therapeutic. Therapeutic because as fucked up as my life is now with my marriage in shambles and a DUI hanging over my head I actually believe I am more stable now than I was when I first started this blog.
Posted by PolarSta at 3:05 PM
When I started this blog in early 2007, I intended for it to be a sounding board for my struggles with bipolar disorder and alcoholism. I'm not sure how I managed to forget my password to blogger as well as the email account I set up on Yahoo, but I did it. I never meant to stop writing, I just couldn't get into the account.
Then, out of the blue and almost 3 years later . . .I remembered! I just completed deleting 3 years of spam comments scattered throughout my unguarded posts. But, in addition to the spam, were legitimate comments and emails from several people that share my viewpoints. I'm sorry I didn't respond. I just couldn't. To those that sent me email and made comments . .. please forgive me!!! . . .I hope that you understand I was not purposefully ignoring you!!
Not a lot has changed with my condition. I'm still as bipolar as ever. But, the marriage took a beating and I am now separated from my husband. I also managed to aquire a DUI and am dealing with all of the legal hassles that come along with it.
I won't try to catch you up on the last three years of my life in a single post. But, check back and I'm sure you won't be disappointed. I'm so glad I remembered that password!
Posted by PolarSta at 4:24 AM
April 23, 2007
Tonight I dropped off my husband at the airport. For three days he will be on the other side of the country. He has been refraining from much travel since my last hospitalized manic episode last fall. I typically don't do well when he is out of town on business. Usually, a night he's gone equates to a first class ticket to drunkenville.
But, thank god, I am feeling differently now. I think that being on the Zyprexa allowed me to experience "rational thinking" for a change. All of a sudden, the idea of tequila shots first thing in the morning now no longer holds such attractive qualities.
So what will I do tonight? I still feel a bit of anxiety because I'm alone. But, I think I'll just read, relax, smoke pot, chat online with random people . . .the usual.
Posted by PolarSta at 8:37 PM
I think that the Zyprexa is completely out of my system now. After a bout with depression, I believe was part of withdrawal, I feel like my old self again. Well, my old self but not manic.
I'm also thrilled that my thinner former self is back. I dropped 8 pounds in two weeks once I stopped taking the Zyprexa. That was easy.
And how do I feel mentally?
Well, I can definitely identify the type of thinking, my thinking, that caused me to go crazy a few months ago. Only this time, I recognize it as abnormal thinking. So far, so good. I've even had no problems with alcohol, which I thought would be an issue.
I just finished creating my resume. It's time to get out of this house.
Posted by PolarSta at 4:58 PM
April 12, 2007
Spring has traditionally send me over to the other side in terms of my stability. It;s been a little rainly lately, so I've been painting and mulling over what exactly it is that I want to do with my life. I thik it needs to be someone art realated, but not sure which application I shoudl choose.
I also need to think about getting a temp job. It's not goot to stay and home and not have any friends. I need to create. An with this energy surging in as the zyprexa seeps out, I think I might can do it.
Posted by PolarSta at 8:35 AM
April 11, 2007
I've been taking a lot of Adderall lately. We just got a new prescription in so my husband has been a little more liberal with them. (I'm not allowed to hold my own prescription . . .I would take them all, for sure)
Anyway, that's how I ended up having to come clean about the Zyprexa. He called me and asked if I had been taking all my medicine, especially the Zyprexa. I asked why he wanted to know and he just said I had a habit of forgetting my medicine when I was doing speed. So, I took the opportunity and confessed.
He is terrified.
Posted by PolarSta at 4:37 PM