Feeling like the old me . . . not good

Today is the first day, since I secretly stopped taking my Zyprexa, that I craved alcohol.

Not good. It was that same totally occupying draw that was always there before. It was back, so familiar a feeling. In fact, I gave into the insanity and had a couple of drinks at a neighborhood restaurant while waiting for my order to go. My husband smelled it on my breath and I denied it. But, we both know.

I cannot go back to that life. I have no desire for it. It is repulsive. It is horrifying. It's insane.

So, I am making a pact with myself now. If the sick desire creeps back into my head again, the first thing I'll swallow, as much as I don't want to, is a Zyprexa.