When the cat's away . . . .

Tonight I dropped off my husband at the airport. For three days he will be on the other side of the country. He has been refraining from much travel since my last hospitalized manic episode last fall. I typically don't do well when he is out of town on business. Usually, a night he's gone equates to a first class ticket to drunkenville.

But, thank god, I am feeling differently now. I think that being on the Zyprexa allowed me to experience "rational thinking" for a change. All of a sudden, the idea of tequila shots first thing in the morning now no longer holds such attractive qualities.

So what will I do tonight? I still feel a bit of anxiety because I'm alone. But, I think I'll just read, relax, smoke pot, chat online with random people . . .the usual.

Zyprexa Withdrawal

I think that the Zyprexa is completely out of my system now. After a bout with depression, I believe was part of withdrawal, I feel like my old self again. Well, my old self but not manic.

I'm also thrilled that my thinner former self is back. I dropped 8 pounds in two weeks once I stopped taking the Zyprexa. That was easy.

And how do I feel mentally?

Well, I can definitely identify the type of thinking, my thinking, that caused me to go crazy a few months ago. Only this time, I recognize it as abnormal thinking. So far, so good. I've even had no problems with alcohol, which I thought would be an issue.

I just finished creating my resume. It's time to get out of this house.

Spring is here . . .how will I hadle it?

Spring has traditionally send me over to the other side in terms of my stability. It;s been a little rainly lately, so I've been painting and mulling over what exactly it is that I want to do with my life. I thik it needs to be someone art realated, but not sure which application I shoudl choose.

I also need to think about getting a temp job. It's not goot to stay and home and not have any friends. I need to create. An with this energy surging in as the zyprexa seeps out, I think I might can do it.












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Speed

I've been taking a lot of Adderall lately. We just got a new prescription in so my husband has been a little more liberal with them. (I'm not allowed to hold my own prescription . . .I would take them all, for sure)

Anyway, that's how I ended up having to come clean about the Zyprexa. He called me and asked if I had been taking all my medicine, especially the Zyprexa. I asked why he wanted to know and he just said I had a habit of forgetting my medicine when I was doing speed. So, I took the opportunity and confessed.

He is terrified.

Crap

I just had to tell my husband I stopped taking the Zyprexa. He said "I reserve the right to end our marriage . . ." if I go crazy. I said I would take it again before I would let that happen.

But, for now . . . I have to go clean.

Waiting for my weight

One thing that hasn't changed as quickly as I wanted once I ditched the Zyprexa, is the return of my girlish figure. While I'm certainly not "fat," I missed the svelte 5 foot 7, 130 pounds that was quite low maintenance. But, I succumbed to the hunger that the pill breeds and put on almost an extra 20 pounds. I really believe it is like eating little mini cheese burgers.

I just weighed myself and am now at 140. Yes, it's better than the 146 I peaked at a few weeks ago, but I won't be satisfied until I'm at 135.

Yes, I know it's only been five full days since I stopped taking it. But, we bipolar girls gravitate to extremes and I'm ready to see it in my waistline.

Oh well, at least no alcohol cravings today.

Feeling like the old me . . . not good

Today is the first day, since I secretly stopped taking my Zyprexa, that I craved alcohol.

Not good. It was that same totally occupying draw that was always there before. It was back, so familiar a feeling. In fact, I gave into the insanity and had a couple of drinks at a neighborhood restaurant while waiting for my order to go. My husband smelled it on my breath and I denied it. But, we both know.

I cannot go back to that life. I have no desire for it. It is repulsive. It is horrifying. It's insane.

So, I am making a pact with myself now. If the sick desire creeps back into my head again, the first thing I'll swallow, as much as I don't want to, is a Zyprexa.

Feeling better

Well, two days without following doctor's orders and not taking my Zyprexa. I feel more energetic and less hungry already. I figure if I start wigging out, I can always pick up the prescribed regimen. But, my gut tells me that I am making a good call.

Boy, will my doctor be pissed!

I think the worst is over

The last few days have royally sucked. I had forgotten just how powerful of a drug Zyprexa can be. All I have wanted to do is sleep and watch TV. Is this better?

I think not. And, I think I'm going to stop taking it. I like having a personality and energy to get out of bed.

Tonight, I'm palming the pill. I can't tell my husband. He would totally freak out if he knew I was going to do this.

It's not so bad being a little crazy, is it?

Noooooo!!! Don't make be go back

I am in the horrible position of being caught between a happy energetic and creative life and a calm, content, drugged life.

I was cursed with the dreaded "ran out of medicine" situation. I, nor any bipolar person, wants to find themselves there. It is playing with fire, temping insanity. But, it happened because our mail order service didn't mail it out on time and my prescription ran out. I tried to get the pharmacy to give me a few emergency doses until we could have the doctor call in, but insurance wouldn't approve, so it was just a mess. Anyway, the fact of the matter is I have been without my Zyprexa for about 5 days now. And, I feel great.

I feel more energetic. I feel more creative. I don't want to eat constantly. I am happy. I want to have more sex. I am excited about the future. I am me.

But, the pharmacy just called to let me know that they finally got it approved and it's ready for me to pick up.

I have to go back tonight. I don't want to.